1 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:40,795 'Far out, in the uncharted backwaters at the unfashionable end 2 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,878 'of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy, 3 00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:46,548 'lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 4 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:52,710 'Orbiting this at a distance of roughly 92 million miles 5 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:56,595 'is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet 6 00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,997 'whose ape-descended lifeforms are so amazingly primitive 7 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:03,670 'that they still think digital watches are neat. 8 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:08,317 'This planet has - or had - a problem, which was this - 9 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:12,274 'most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. 10 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,153 'Many solutions were suggested for this problem, 11 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:20,832 'mostly concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 12 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:22,996 'which is odd, because, on the whole, 13 00:01:23,200 --> 00:01:26,909 'it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy. 14 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:31,557 'And so the problem remained and lots of the people were mean, 15 00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:35,435 'and most of them were miserable, even the ones with digital watches.' 16 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,995 (HORNS BLARE) 17 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:46,714 'Many increasingly felt that they'd all made a big mistake 18 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:50,356 'in coming down from the trees in the first place. 19 00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:56,679 'And some said that even the trees had been a bad move 20 00:01:56,880 --> 00:02:00,555 'and that no one should ever have left the oceans. 21 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:11,036 'And then, one day, 22 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,596 'nearly 2,000 years after one man had been nailed to a tree 23 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:18,236 'for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, 24 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:21,796 'a girl sitting on her own in a small café in Rickmansworth 25 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,629 'suddenly realised what it was had been going wrong all this time, 26 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:29,594 'and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. 27 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,234 'This time it was right, it would work, 28 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,113 'and no one would have to get nailed to anything. 29 00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:39,279 'Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to tell anyone, 30 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:43,951 'the Earth was demolished to make way for a hyperspace by-pass 31 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:46,720 'and so the idea was lost forever. 32 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:55,998 'Meanwhile, Arthur Dent has escaped from the Earth 33 00:02:56,200 --> 00:02:58,430 'in the company of a friend of his, 34 00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:02,394 'who has unexpectedly turned out to be from a small planet 35 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:06,229 'in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, and not from Guildford after all. 36 00:03:06,440 --> 00:03:08,510 'His name is Ford Prefect, 37 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:12,759 'for reasons which are unlikely to become clear again at the moment, 38 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,713 'and they're hiding in a Vogon spaceship.' 39 00:03:15,920 --> 00:03:17,956 What's that? 40 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:21,152 If we're lucky, it's a Vogon come to throw us out into space. 41 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,316 And if we're unlucky? 42 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:27,035 The captain might want to read us some of his poetry first. 43 00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:28,958 (ROARING) 44 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,514 Oh, freddled gruntbuggly! 45 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:35,188 Thy micturitions are to me 46 00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,870 As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee 47 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:45,235 That mordiously hath bitled out its earted jurtles... 48 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:48,034 (MOANING AND SCREAMING) 49 00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:51,835 Now the jurpling slayjid agrocrustles 50 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:56,670 Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts... 51 00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:01,431 'Vogon poetry is, of course, the third worst in the Universe. 52 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:10,195 'The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. 53 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:13,995 'During a recitation by their poetmaster Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem: 54 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:24,951 '..four of his audience died of internal haemorrhaging 55 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:28,994 'and the president of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council 56 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:33,637 'only survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. 57 00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:37,310 'Grunthos is reported to have been disappointed by the poem's reception, 58 00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:40,273 'and was about to embark on a reading of his 12-book epic: 59 00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:47,668 'when his own major intestine, 60 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,792 'in a desperate attempt to save lifekind, 61 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:54,709 'leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain. 62 00:04:57,120 --> 00:05:00,829 'The very worst poetry of all and its creator: 63 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:06,876 'perished in the destruction of the planet Earth. 64 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:09,799 'Vogon poetry is mild by comparison.' 65 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:13,913 (AGONISED MOANING) 66 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:18,999 Now the jurpling slayjid agrocrustles 67 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:22,317 Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts... 68 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:27,799 And living glupules frart and slipulate 69 00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,675 Like jowling meated liverslime. 70 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:34,314 Groop I implore thee 71 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:36,954 My foonting turling dromes 72 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:43,269 And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles 73 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:48,076 Or else I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon 74 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,396 See if I don't! 75 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,512 - So, Earthlings... - I'm not an Earthling. 76 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:57,315 Quiet! I present you with a simple choice. 77 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:01,433 Think very carefully, for your very lives lie in your hands. 78 00:06:01,640 --> 00:06:06,589 Now choose! Either die in the vacuum of space 79 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,759 or...tell me how good you thought my poem was. 80 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,076 I liked it. 81 00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:15,513 Huh? 82 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:19,269 Oh, yes. I thought some of the metaphysical imagery 83 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,596 - was particularly effective. - Yes? 84 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:27,750 Oh, and interesting... rhythmic devices... 85 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:30,520 which seemed to counterpoint the, er... 86 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:35,794 Counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor of the, er... 87 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,558 Humanity... 88 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:39,830 - Vogonity. - Vogonity, sorry! 89 00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:44,192 Of the poet's compassionate soul, which strives 90 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:49,633 through the verse structure to sublimate this, transcend that, 91 00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:53,116 and one is left with a profound and vivid insight into...into... 92 00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:57,518 Into whatever the poem was about. That was very good. 93 00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:04,478 So, what you are saying is that I just write poetry 94 00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:09,310 because underneath my mean, callous, heartless exterior, 95 00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,954 I just want to be loved, is that it? 96 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:19,350 Well, I mean, yes, don't we all, deep down, underneath...? 97 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:21,676 No! You're completely wrong. 98 00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:26,829 I write poetry just to throw my mean, callous, heartless exterior 99 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,952 into sharp relief. I'm going to throw you off the ship anyway. 100 00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:36,554 Guard! Take the prisoners to number 3 airlock and throw them out. 101 00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:39,957 This is great! This is really terrific! 102 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,958 Ow! Let go of me, you brute! 103 00:07:43,160 --> 00:07:45,390 Don't worry - I'll think of something. 104 00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:47,716 Resistance is useless! 105 00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:49,876 What is all this, Ford? 106 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,514 I woke up this morning, thought I'd have a nice, relaxed day, 107 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,676 do a bit of reading, brush the dog... 108 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,314 It's 4.00 p.m. and I'm being thrown out of an alien spaceship 109 00:07:57,520 --> 00:08:00,796 five light years from the smoking remains of the Earth. 110 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,389 (FORD ) Just stop panicking! (ARTHUR) Who mentioned panicking? 111 00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,750 This is just culture shock. 112 00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:08,110 Wait till I settle! Then I'll panic! 113 00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:12,074 - Arthur, you're hysterical! Shut up! - Resistance is useless! 114 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:15,078 - And you! - Resistance is useless! 115 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,999 Give it a rest! Do you enjoy this sort of thing? 116 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,156 What do you mean? 117 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:23,477 What I mean is - does it give you a full, satisfying life? 118 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:25,750 Full, satisfying life? 119 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:29,999 Yeah, stomping around, shouting, pushing people off spaceships. 120 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:33,670 - Well, the hours are good. - They'd have to be (!) 121 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:36,678 - Ford, what are you doing? - Shh! 122 00:08:36,880 --> 00:08:41,431 - So, the hours are good? - Yeah. But now you mention it, 123 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:44,074 most of the actual minutes are pretty lousy. 124 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:47,033 Except some of the shouting I quite like. 125 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:48,878 Resistance is... 126 00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:53,437 Sure, yes, you're good at that, I can tell. 127 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:59,078 But if the rest of it is so lousy, why do you do it? 128 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:00,793 The girls? 129 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,037 The rubber? The machismo? 130 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:08,631 I don't know, really. I think I just sort of...do it. 131 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:13,960 My aunt said that spaceship guard was a good career for a young Vogon - 132 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:18,950 you know, the uniform, the low-slung stun-ray holster, mindless tedium... 133 00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,720 Ford, this guy's half-throttling me! 134 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:25,310 Yeah, but try and understand his problem. 135 00:09:25,520 --> 00:09:27,636 Here he is, poor guy, 136 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:31,276 his entire life is stamping around, pushing people off spaceships... 137 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:33,914 - And shouting... - Yeah, and shouting! 138 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:37,795 And he doesn't even know why he's doing it. 139 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,753 Poignant, very poignant (!) 140 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:43,190 - Now you've put it like that... - Good lad. 141 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,789 All right, but what's the alternative? 142 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:50,391 Stop doing it! Tell them you're not going to do it any more. 143 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,272 Doesn't sound that great to me! 144 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:55,040 That's just the start. There's more than that... 145 00:09:55,240 --> 00:09:57,629 No, if it's all the same to you, 146 00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:00,149 I'll just get you two shoved out, 147 00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:04,831 and then get on with some other bits of shouting. Resistance is useless! 148 00:10:05,040 --> 00:10:07,474 But come on... Now, look... 149 00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:09,830 Ow! Stop that! 150 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:13,237 Hang on! There's music and art and things to tell you about yet! 151 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,671 I think I better stick to what I know, thanks, 152 00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,871 but thanks for taking an interest. 153 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:22,516 I've got a headache! I don't want to go to heaven with a headache! 154 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:24,995 I'll be all cross and won't enjoy it. 155 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:29,751 There's a whole world you know nothing about. How about this...? 156 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,076 (HE HUMS BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH) 157 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:35,556 - Doesn't that stir anything in you? - ..No. 158 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:40,629 Bye. I'll tell my aunt what you said. (CLANG!) 159 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:45,630 Potentially bright lad, I thought. 160 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:50,395 (HE HUMS BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH) 161 00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:51,953 ..Nah! 162 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:57,275 - We're trapped now, aren't we? - Yeah, we're trapped. 163 00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:59,675 Well, didn't you think of anything? 164 00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:01,836 - Yeah. - What? 165 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:05,430 Unfortunately, it involved being on the other side of this hatchway. 166 00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:08,393 So that's it? We're going to die? 167 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,875 Yeah. 168 00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,469 Except...no! 169 00:11:13,680 --> 00:11:16,877 Wait a minute! What's this switch? 170 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,911 What? Where? 171 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,838 No, I was only fooling. We're going to die after all. 172 00:11:26,760 --> 00:11:29,115 You know, it's at times like this, 173 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,630 when I'm stuck in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse 174 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:35,035 and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, 175 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:37,549 that I wish I'd listened to what my mother told me. 176 00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:41,719 - Why? What did she tell you? - I don't know... I didn't listen. 177 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,148 Oh, terrific. (WHOOSH!) 178 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:52,871 ''Counterpoint the surrealism of the underlying metaphor''! 179 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,435 Huh! Death's too good for them! 180 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:10,348 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. 181 00:12:10,560 --> 00:12:12,676 'The introduction starts like this: 182 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:32,069 'And so on... 183 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:34,840 'After a while, the style settles down a bit, 184 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:38,589 'and it starts telling you things you actually need to know, 185 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,839 'like the fact that the fabulously beautiful planet of Bethselamin... 186 00:12:43,040 --> 00:12:46,032 'is now so worried about the cumulative erosion 187 00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,515 'caused by 10 billion tourists a year 188 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:52,269 'that any net imbalance between the amount you eat 189 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,677 'and the amount you excrete whilst on the planet 190 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:59,634 'is surgically removed from your body weight when you leave.' 191 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:02,308 (SCREAMING) 192 00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:05,478 'So every time you go to the lavatory there, 193 00:13:05,680 --> 00:13:08,672 'it's vitally important to get a receipt. 194 00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:12,589 'In the entry in which it talks about dying of asphyxiation 195 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,598 '30 seconds after being thrown out of a spaceship... 196 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:35,950 '..which, amazingly, was also the phone number of an Islington flat 197 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:40,153 'where Arthur once went to a very good party, 198 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,590 'where he ate some very good food, 199 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:46,679 'had some very good drinks with some very good friends 200 00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:51,749 'and met a very nice girl whom he totally failed to get off with.' 201 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,599 (MAN) Is this guy bothering you? 202 00:13:57,200 --> 00:14:00,397 'Though the planet Earth, the Islington flat, 203 00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:04,036 'and the telephone have all now been demolished... 204 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,356 'it's comforting to reflect 205 00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:10,838 'that they are all in some small way commemorated by the fact 206 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:15,238 'that some 29 seconds later Arthur and Ford were, in fact, rescued.' 207 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:19,035 - Told you I'd think of something... - Oh, sure (!) 208 00:14:19,240 --> 00:14:23,028 Bright idea of mine to find a passing spaceship and get rescued by it. 209 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,629 Come on! The chances against it were astronomical. 210 00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:28,070 Don't knock it! It worked! 211 00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,915 Where the hell are we? 212 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:36,715 Well, it looks like the seafront at Southend. 213 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:40,549 God, I'm relieved to hear you say that! 214 00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:44,878 - I thought I must be going mad! - Perhaps you only thought I said it. 215 00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:48,993 - Well, did you or didn't you? - I think so. 216 00:14:49,200 --> 00:14:51,998 Perhaps we're both going mad. 217 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,794 (ARTHUR) Nice day for it - sun... 218 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,399 Sea... 219 00:14:56,600 --> 00:15:00,115 You know, if this is Southend, there's something very odd about it. 220 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:03,437 You mean the way the sea stays steady as a rock... 221 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:07,599 and the buildings keep washing up and down? 222 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,314 I thought that was odd. 223 00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:14,354 2 to the power of 100,000 to 1 against and falling. 224 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,630 What's that? 225 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:19,149 It sounded like a measurement of probability. 226 00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,476 What does it mean? 227 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:25,958 I don't know. But I definitely think we're on some kind of spaceship. 228 00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:31,188 Then, I can only assume we're not in the first-class compartment (!) 229 00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,675 Southend seems to be melting away... 230 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:38,351 The stars are swirling... a dustbowl... 231 00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:40,278 snow... 232 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:44,756 My leg's drifting off into the sunset... 233 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:52,916 My left arm's disappeared! 234 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:56,908 How am I going to operate my digital watch now? (ECHOING) 235 00:15:57,120 --> 00:16:01,238 Ford, you're turning into a penguin! Stop it! 236 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,271 Qu-what? 237 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,829 2 to the power of 75,000 to 1 against and falling... 238 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:14,237 Hey! Who are you? Where are you? 239 00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:17,989 What's going on? And is there any way of stopping it? 240 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,077 Relax. You are perfectly safe. 241 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,316 That's not the point! 242 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:25,557 The point is that I am now a perfectly safe penguin 243 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,479 and my colleague is rapidly running out of limbs. 244 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,790 Isn't there anything you feel you ought to be telling us? 245 00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,753 Welcome to the starship Heart of Gold. 246 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:44,272 Please do not be alarmed by anything you see or hear around you. 247 00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:47,950 You are bound to feel some initial ill effects 248 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:52,153 as you have been rescued from certain death at an improbability level 249 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:58,435 of 2 to the power of 260,199 to 1 against, possibly much higher. 250 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:03,634 We are now cruising at a level of 2 to the power of 25,000 to 1 against 251 00:17:03,840 --> 00:17:07,355 and falling, and we will be restoring normality 252 00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:12,998 as soon as we are sure what normal is. Thank you. 2 to the power... 253 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:15,316 Arthur, this is fantastic! 254 00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,830 We've been picked up by a ship with the new Infinite Improbability Drive! 255 00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,474 This is incredible, Arthur... 256 00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:24,752 (WHOOPING) Arthur? What's happening? 257 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,791 Ford, there's an infinite number of monkeys out here 258 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:33,470 who want to talk to us about this script for Hamlet they've worked out. 259 00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:40,078 'The Infinite Improbability Drive 260 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,875 'is a wonderful new method of crossing interstellar distances 261 00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:47,834 'in a few seconds, without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace. 262 00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,999 'The principle of generating small amounts of finite improbability, 263 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:57,274 'by simply hooking the logic circuits of a Bambleweeny 57 Sub-Meson Brain 264 00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:00,233 'to an atomic vector plotter, 265 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,637 'suspended in a Brownian Motion producer - say, a nice cup of tea - 266 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:05,876 'had long been understood, 267 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,755 'and such generators were often used to break the ice at parties 268 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,316 'by making all the molecules in the hostess's undergarments 269 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:17,149 'simultaneously leap one foot to the left, 270 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:20,955 'in accordance with the theory of indeterminacy. 271 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:26,629 'Many respectable physicists said they wouldn't stand for such a thing, 272 00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,912 'partly because it was a debasement of science, 273 00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:33,669 'but mostly because they didn't get invited to those sort of parties. 274 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:35,836 'Another thing they couldn't stand 275 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:39,635 'was their perpetual failure in trying to construct a machine 276 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:43,071 'which could generate the Infinite Improbability field 277 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:46,431 'needed to flip a spaceship between the furthest stars... 278 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,676 'and, in the end, 279 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,838 'they grumpily announced that such a machine was virtually impossible. 280 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:59,074 'Then, one evening, a student, who had been left to sweep up the lab 281 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:02,113 'after a particularly unsuccessful party, 282 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,914 'found himself reasoning this way... 283 00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:08,032 '''If such a machine is a virtual impossibility, 284 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:11,915 '''then it must, logically, be a finite improbability. 285 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:14,315 '''So all I have to do to make one 286 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:17,080 '''is work out exactly how improbable it is... 287 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:20,955 '''feed that figure into the finite improbability generator... 288 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:25,950 '''give it a fresh cup of really hot tea and turn it on.'' 289 00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:31,358 'The moment he did this, he was rather startled to discover 290 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,632 'that he had managed to create the long sought-after 291 00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:39,197 'Infinite Improbability Generator out of thin air. 292 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,674 'It startled him even more 293 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:53,270 'when, just after he was awarded the Galactic Institute's prize 294 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,516 'for extreme cleverness, 295 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:59,110 'he got lynched by a rampaging mob of respectable physicists 296 00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:01,675 'who had finally realised 297 00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:05,509 'the one thing they really couldn't stand was a smartass!' 298 00:20:11,120 --> 00:20:13,634 5 to 1 against and falling. 299 00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:17,071 4 to 1 against and falling. 300 00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:19,157 3 to 1... 301 00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,749 2...1... 302 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:24,793 Probability factor of 1 to 1. 303 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:29,869 We have normality. I repeat - we have normality. 304 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:33,595 Anything you still can't cope with is, therefore, your own problem. 305 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:37,031 - Who are they, Trillian? - A couple of guys we picked up. 306 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:43,315 Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. 307 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:45,636 That's very sweet, Trillian, 308 00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,070 but do you really think it's wise? 309 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,430 We're on the run and everything, 310 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:53,871 we've got the police of half the Galaxy after us, 311 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:55,991 and we pick up hitchhikers. 312 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:59,272 10 out of 10 for style, but minus several million for thinking. 313 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:03,678 They were floating in open space. You didn't want them to die, did you? 314 00:21:03,880 --> 00:21:05,518 Not as such... 315 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,597 A second later, they'd have died. 316 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:11,793 So if you'd thought about it a moment longer, it would've gone away, right? 317 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,993 Anyway, I didn't pick them up. The ship did - all by itself. 318 00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:20,631 - Hey, what? - Hey, what? 319 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,479 - The ship picked them up by itself. - So what? 320 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:26,990 The ship... Oh, forget it and go back to sleep! 321 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:29,839 (BLEEPING) 322 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,430 We picked them up while we were in Infinite Improbability Drive. 323 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:39,192 - But that's incredible! - No, just very, very improbable. 324 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,836 Don't worry about the aliens. Just a couple of guys, I expect. 325 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,998 I'll send the robot down to check them out. Marvin? 326 00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:56,473 I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed. 327 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:59,752 (ZAPHOD ) Oh, God! 328 00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,633 Here's something to take your mind off things. 329 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,798 It won't work. I have an exceptionally large mind. 330 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:06,989 Marvin! 331 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,759 All right. What do you want me to do? 332 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:16,273 Go down to number 3 entry bay and bring the two aliens up here. 333 00:22:18,880 --> 00:22:21,235 Just that? 334 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,829 - Yes. - I won't enjoy it. 335 00:22:24,040 --> 00:22:25,712 Just do it! 336 00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,639 All right! I'll do it. 337 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:31,354 Good. Great. Thank you. 338 00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:35,075 I'm not getting you down at all, am I? 339 00:22:35,280 --> 00:22:37,748 No, no, Marvin, that's just fine, really. 340 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:40,428 I wouldn't like to think I was getting you down. 341 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:42,437 No, don't worry about that. 342 00:22:42,640 --> 00:22:45,598 You just act naturally and everything will be fine. 343 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:49,110 - You're sure you don't mind? - No, no. It's just part of life. 344 00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:53,154 Life! Don't talk to me about life! 345 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:59,435 I don't think I can stand that robot much longer, Zaphod. 346 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:04,269 'The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot 347 00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:08,155 'as a mechanical apparatus designed to do the work of a man. 348 00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:15,992 'The Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation 349 00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:18,077 'defines a robot as: 350 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,195 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy 351 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:31,155 'defines the Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation: 352 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:49,074 'Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica 353 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:53,319 'that fell through a time warp from 1,000 years in the future 354 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:57,479 'defines the Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation 355 00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,114 'as ''A bunch of mindless jerks 356 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:04,791 '''who were the first against the wall when the revolution came.''' 357 00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,310 (FORD ) I think this ship is brand-new, Arthur. 358 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:12,832 Have you got some exotic device for measuring the age of metal? 359 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,235 No. I just found this sales brochure. 360 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:19,115 ''The Universe can be yours for a mere five quilliard Altairian dollars.'' 361 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:20,594 Cheap? 362 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:24,839 A quilliard is a whole page of noughts with a one at the beginning. 363 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:27,554 Ah, this is what I was after! 364 00:24:27,760 --> 00:24:31,230 ''Sensational new breakthrough in improbability physics. 365 00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:35,353 ''As the ship's drive reaches Infinite Improbability, 366 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:38,791 ''it passes through every point in the Universe. 367 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:43,152 ''Be the envy of other major governments.'' Wow! 368 00:24:43,360 --> 00:24:47,273 It's a whole lot better than that dingy Vogon crate! 369 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:50,153 This is my idea of a spaceship, 370 00:24:50,360 --> 00:24:54,831 all gleaming metal, flashing lights, everything... 371 00:24:55,040 --> 00:24:59,716 - What happens if I press this? - Don't! 372 00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,718 (BEEP!) Oh! 373 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:04,672 What happened? 374 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:09,158 A sign lit up saying, ''Please do not press this button again.'' 375 00:25:11,520 --> 00:25:15,195 (FORD ) They make a big thing of the ship's cybernetics. 376 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:18,870 ''A new generation of Sirius Cybernetics Corporation computers 377 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:21,753 ''and robots with the new GPP feature.'' 378 00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,076 GPP? What's that? 379 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:28,717 - Genuine People Personalities. - Sounds ghastly. 380 00:25:28,920 --> 00:25:30,433 (MARVIN) It is. 381 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:32,676 What? 382 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:37,032 It all is. Absolutely ghastly. 383 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,913 Just don't even talk about it. 384 00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:42,236 Look at this door. 385 00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:46,558 ''All the doors in this spacecraft have a cheerful, sunny disposition. 386 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:49,194 ''It is their pleasure to open for you 387 00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:52,710 ''and their satisfaction to close again 388 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:55,878 ''with the knowledge of a job well done.'' 389 00:25:56,080 --> 00:25:58,548 (D00R) Glad to be of service. 390 00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:01,194 Hateful, isn't it? 391 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:06,832 Come on. I've been ordered to take you up to the bridge. 392 00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,474 Here I am, brain the size of a planet, 393 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:12,877 and they tell me to take you up to the bridge. 394 00:26:13,080 --> 00:26:18,234 Call that job satisfaction? 'Cause I don't! 395 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:21,591 - Which government owns this ship? - Watch this door. 396 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,234 It's about to open again. 397 00:26:24,440 --> 00:26:29,594 I can tell by the intolerable air of smugness it suddenly generates. 398 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:32,598 Enjoy your trip through this door! 399 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,916 Come on. 400 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,675 (D00R) Thank you! 401 00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,075 Thank you very much, 402 00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:49,239 the Marketing Division of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation (!) 403 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:54,748 Excuse me... Which government...? 404 00:26:54,960 --> 00:27:00,398 ''Let's build robots with Genuine People Personalities,'' they said, 405 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,637 so they tried it out with me. 406 00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:08,118 I'm a personality prototype... You can tell, can't you? 407 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:11,676 - Which govern...? - I hate that door. 408 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:15,910 I'm not getting you down, am I? 409 00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,509 Which government owns this...? 410 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,598 No government owns it. It's been stolen. 411 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:25,076 - Stolen? - ''Stolen?'' (?) 412 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:28,158 - Who by? - Zaphod Beeblebrox. 413 00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:33,070 - Zaphod Beeblebrox?! - Sorry, did I say something wrong? 414 00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:35,396 Pardon me for breathing, 415 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:39,229 which I never do anyway, so I don't know why I bother to say it. 416 00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:42,000 Oh, God, I'm so depressed! 417 00:27:43,200 --> 00:27:46,431 Here's another of those self-satisfied doors! 418 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:51,714 Life! Don't talk to me about life! 419 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:54,036 No one even mentioned it! 420 00:27:54,240 --> 00:27:56,754 (D00R) Glad to be of service. 421 00:27:56,960 --> 00:27:59,952 Really, Zaphod Beeblebrox...! 422 00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:03,514 ..Reports brought to you here on the sub-etha waveband, 423 00:28:03,720 --> 00:28:06,314 broadcasting around the Galaxy, around the clock. 424 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:10,479 We'll be saying a big hello to all intelligent lifeforms everywhere. 425 00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:14,309 And to everyone else, the secret is bang the rocks together, guys. 426 00:28:14,520 --> 00:28:17,637 The big story tonight is the sensational theft 427 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:21,628 of the Improbability prototype ship, by none other than Zaphod Beeblebrox. 428 00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:24,195 And the question everyone's asking - 429 00:28:24,400 --> 00:28:26,231 has the big Zee finally flipped? 430 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:29,989 Beeblebrox, inventor of the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, 431 00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:33,988 ex-confidence trickster, part-time Galactic President, 432 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:39,194 described by Eccentrica Gallumbits as ''The best bang since the big one'', 433 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:42,517 and recently voted the worst-dressed sentient being in the Universe 434 00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:44,870 for the seventh time running... 435 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:49,437 Has he got an answer? We asked his brain care specialist Gag Halfrunt. 436 00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:53,076 Well, Zaphod's just zis guy, you know... 437 00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:57,670 Beeblebrox stole the Improbability Drive Ship 438 00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:00,110 when he was meant to be launching it... 439 00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:04,711 - Hey, kid, what'd you do that for? - I just thought of something. 440 00:29:04,920 --> 00:29:07,229 Worth interrupting a bulletin about me for? 441 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:10,159 Can we leave your ego out of this? This is important. 442 00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:13,909 If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it shot! 443 00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:17,908 - We picked up the couple of guys... - What couple of guys? 444 00:29:18,120 --> 00:29:22,272 - The couple of guys we picked up! - Oh, yeah. Those couple of guys. 445 00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:27,918 We picked them up in Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha. 446 00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:30,475 - Yeah! - Does that mean anything to you? 447 00:29:30,680 --> 00:29:33,513 - Sector ZZ9 Plural Z Alpha! - Well? 448 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:37,349 What does the Z mean? 449 00:29:37,560 --> 00:29:40,313 - Which one? - Any one. 450 00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:44,274 Would you mind looking at the Galactic charts? 451 00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:46,471 Hey, that's wild! 452 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:51,595 We should have zapped right into the Horsehead Nebula. That is nowhere! 453 00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:53,518 Improbability Drive. 454 00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:56,234 We pass through every point in the Universe! 455 00:29:56,440 --> 00:29:59,716 Yeah, but actually picking those dudes up there 456 00:29:59,920 --> 00:30:03,469 is just too wild a coincidence. I want to work this out. Computer! 457 00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:08,356 Hi, there. Whatever your problem, I am here to help you solve it. 458 00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:11,711 - Shut up and work something out. - A probability forecast based on... 459 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:13,239 Improbability data! 460 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:18,309 0K. Did you know most people's lives are governed by telephone numbers? 461 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:19,873 Telephone numbers? 462 00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:29,952 I've got this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side. 463 00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:31,878 Really? 464 00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,992 Oh, yes. I mean, I've asked for them to be replaced, 465 00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:37,270 but no one ever listens. 466 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:39,630 I can imagine. 467 00:30:41,520 --> 00:30:45,115 Well, well, well, Zaphod Beeblebrox! 468 00:30:45,320 --> 00:30:49,996 I don't believe it! This is just too amazing! 469 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,191 Trillian! Trillian? 470 00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:55,551 Oh, this is going to be great! 471 00:30:55,760 --> 00:31:01,437 I'm going to be so amazingly cool it would fluster a Vegan snow lizard! 472 00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:05,235 What real cool! Several million points out of ten for style! 473 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:10,275 Right, which is the most nonchalant chair to be discovered in? 474 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:15,918 (D00R) Glad to be of service. 475 00:31:23,240 --> 00:31:27,028 I suppose you'll want to see the aliens now. 476 00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:32,519 Do you want me to rust in a corner or fall apart where I'm standing? 477 00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:34,039 Show them in. 478 00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,196 (D00R) Thank you. 479 00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:44,718 Ford, hi. How are you? Glad you could drop in. 480 00:31:45,520 --> 00:31:49,195 Oh, hi, Zaphod, great to see you. You're looking well. 481 00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:54,269 The extra arm suits you. Hey, this is a great ship you've stolen! 482 00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:58,155 Ford, you mean you know this person...s? 483 00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:01,670 Know him? He's my... Oh, hey, Zaphod... 484 00:32:01,880 --> 00:32:06,317 This is my friend - Arthur Dent. I saved him when his planet blew up. 485 00:32:06,520 --> 00:32:08,909 Hi, Arthur. Glad you could make it. 486 00:32:09,120 --> 00:32:11,156 - This is... - We've met! 487 00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:12,679 What? 488 00:32:13,880 --> 00:32:15,916 Oh, er, have we? 489 00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:18,156 Hey! 490 00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:26,194 What do you mean - met? 491 00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:29,710 This is Zaphod Beeblebrox from Betelgeuse 5, you know, 492 00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:31,876 not bloody Martin Smith from Croydon. 493 00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:36,232 I don't care. We've met, haven't we, Zaphod? 494 00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:39,910 - Or should I say...Phil? - What? 495 00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:45,114 - At a party six months ago. - Hey, I really doubt that... 496 00:32:45,320 --> 00:32:48,551 On Earth, England, 497 00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:50,955 London, Islington. 498 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:55,631 - Oh, hey, yeah! That party? - What? 499 00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:58,559 You mean you've been to that miserable little planet as well? 500 00:32:58,760 --> 00:33:01,228 I may have dropped in on my way somewhere. 501 00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:03,192 At this party was a girl I was after. 502 00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:06,119 Beautiful, charming, devastatingly intelligent... 503 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:09,471 everything I'd been saving myself up for. 504 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:13,116 Along comes your friend and says, ''Hey, doll! Is this guy boring you? 505 00:33:13,320 --> 00:33:16,551 ''Why don't you talk to me? I'm from a different planet.'' 506 00:33:16,760 --> 00:33:20,514 - Zaphod? - He only had two arms and one head, 507 00:33:20,720 --> 00:33:22,438 and called himself Phil, but... 508 00:33:22,640 --> 00:33:25,632 But you must admit, he was from another planet! 509 00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:27,956 Good heavens! Tricia McMillan! 510 00:33:28,160 --> 00:33:30,879 - Trillian to you. - Infinity minus 1. 511 00:33:31,080 --> 00:33:34,311 - For my next trick... - Shut up! 512 00:33:34,520 --> 00:33:36,954 What are you doing here? 513 00:33:37,160 --> 00:33:39,390 Same as you. I hitched a lift. 514 00:33:39,600 --> 00:33:42,353 With a degree in maths and another in astrophysics, 515 00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:45,028 it was either that or back to the dole on Monday. 516 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:47,549 Oh, God! Ford, this is Trillian. 517 00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:49,876 Hi! Trillian, my semi-cousin, Ford, 518 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,799 who shares three of the same mothers as me. 519 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,560 Is this sort of thing going to happen every time we use the Drive? 520 00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:58,069 Very probably, I'm afraid. 521 00:33:58,280 --> 00:34:02,671 Zaphod Beeblebrox, this is a very large drink. Hi.